Past & Present
by NevynR
Summary: What if Dr Blakely hadn't arrived quite when he did? Explores Beckett and Castle's conversation about Sophia a little further. Spoilers for Pandora.


**Title: Past and Present**

**Summary: What if Dr Blakely hadn't arrived quite when he did? Explores Beckett and Castle's conversation about Sophia a little further.**

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: The usual. Sadly. Spoilers (duh!) for Pandora.**

**Author's Note:Yeah, so this one sprung to mind almost as soon as the original scene hit my eyeballs. I just think they should have played with it a little more before cutting it off with Blakely's arrival. *sighs* ah well. That being said, I still have hopes for a conversation something along these lines in Linchpin. My thanks again to Manuxinhace for you help with making this presentable for you all to read :-) A guy couldn't ask for a better beta. And now, on with the story...**

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><p>"Blakely should have been here by now" Beckett said, glancing around the people in the park, her expression concerned. "Maybe he knows that Tracey is dead or maybe Gage already killed him."<p>

His elbow resting on the table, Castle thought hard. Pondering his next move on the chess board between them, he moved his piece, his words showing that his multi-tasking skills were still working.

"I choose the audacity of hope." He replied, ever the optimist. "I say he'll be here."

"Shouldn't you call Sophia?" Kate asked, her eyes darting to her partner's face and back to the chess board, trying to keep her voice even.

"And look like an ass if I'm wrong?" Rick said, shaking his head slightly, a rueful grimace on his lips. Beckett paused, weighing her words carefully.

"You know, I have to admit, I'm actually kind of surprised you haven't mentioned her before..." She said, her tone nonchalant, as if asking about Castle's ex-whatever-she-was was a normal occurrence.

"I wasn't allowed to..." He answered. "She _is _an active CIA agent." He raised his eyebrows at her, the memory of their 'classified' talk still fresh in their minds.

"Ah, I see..." Kate replied, a smirk on her face as she shifted her chess piece, eyes still focused on the board.

"Look," Castle said, mirroring her pose, eyes intent on the game in front of him, as well as the subtext-laden conversation. Having had a fair amount of experience with women in general, and a lot of practice studying the one in front of him in particular, Castle knew that it was the little things that could niggle at the back of their minds that could pose the most threat to any relationship, or potential one. If he thought about it, he realised that it was exactly things like that in his past that might have been instrumental in Beckett's persistent refusal of his attempts to get her out on a date in their early days.

_Cards on the table time, Rick. _He thought. _Time to up the ante._

"If you want, I will answer any question you have about her. Anything at all..." Kate's eyes shot to his face, stunned that he would voluntarily offer her such carte blanche to his history with the attractive agent. Squelching her desire to know, Beckett smiled at him, preferring to avoid the subject a blow-by-blow account of his sordid past.

"No, thanks..." She replied, hoping to change the topic.

"Are you sure?" Rick pressed, puzzled. He'd been sure she would have taken the offered opportunity to grill him extensively about the inspiration for Clara Strike.

"Yeah, I mean... It's really none of my business" Kate frowned, apparently intent on the chess game. Inside, she kicked herself.

_Damnit, why can't I just come right out and ask him? _She thought, frustrated with herself. _It isn't my business, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious..._

"Okay." A little taken aback by her declaration of non-interest, Castle looked over at her briefly, noting the pursed lips as she kept her gaze fixed on the chess pieces. "Well, we're done with it then."

"Fine." Alarm bells went off inside Rick's head as Beckett replied. A mother, a daughter and two failed marriages all told him two very important things. One: The subject was far from closed, and two: fine... wasn't. Fine was woman-code for DEFCON 2, and you generally had less than five minutes to defuse the situation before things got ugly, fast.

Rick focused his attention on the board as if his life depended on it. His eyes never leaving the pieces, he waited, knowing the silence would eat at his partner. He _knew_ she wanted to know, he wasn't an idiot (at least as much of one these days). Hell, he'd seen her use targeted silence as a weapon in the interrogation room before. He just had to wait her out. His Beckett-sense tingling, he could tell when she was looking at him, and the tingles told him that she kept glancing between him and the board.

"So..." She said, pausing slightly. "How close were the two of you?" The question hung in the air a moment. "Exactly?" She followed up. Looking him in the eyes, she waited, wondering how much she'd just given away with her not-so-casual question.

Rick thought hard, wondering where to start. His pause caused Kate's gut to clench, a bitter taste filling her mouth. She drew a breath to speak, when he cut her off.

"Close." He said, knowing that full disclosure was his only option at this point. "I followed her around for a year, and we became friends. Although," He grinned slightly at her. "She was only marginally more accommodating of my presence than you were in our first couple of months." His eyes dropping to the board briefly, he took one of her pawns with a knight.

Kate bit her lip, trying to find a delicate way of phrasing her question. Eventually, she shifted one of her bishops out of danger, and spoke up.

"So that's the professional side of things taken care of, Castle..." She swallowed, unsure if she really wanted the answer and more. Forging ahead, she asked. "What about the personal?" She saw a brief flash of remembered pain cross her partner's face, and immediately felt a stab of guilt.

Rick ran his hand across his forehead and met her eyes before answering, his voice hoarse.

"Not long before I stopped following her, we slept together." He swallowed, his fist clenching slowly. Taking a deep breath, he let it out and forced his fingers to uncurl before he resumed his explanation. "She wasn't there when I woke up the next morning. I assumed she'd been called in on a case during the night." He paused. "I didn't hear from her for three days. When I did, it was because I saw her by accident. I noticed her across the street in a little cafe downtown, looking extremely comfortable with another guy."

Beckett sighed and reached across the table, her hand resting on top of his. Squeezing him briefly, she eased herself back and looked him in the face. The pain she saw etched there was deeper than she had believed. She'd felt the sting of betrayal before, albeit years ago when she was in college, but this was... deeper. Beckett knew his expressions well, and this one seemed to hit him harder than she had realised.

"I texted her, saying that we needed to talk." Rick went on, pushing the story forward. Kate winced, knowing what usually came after _that _phrase. "A week later, she called me, said we needed to meet up. She explained that she couldn't let me know where she was or how long she'd be away, because of the whole CIA thing, and that what I'd seen was her undercover." Castle picked up one of his pawns, turning it over and over in his fingers.

"When I asked her point blank how deep her cover was, what she had to be willing to do to maintain it, she gave me three little words: whatever it takes." He shook his head in regret. "Things went downhill rapidly from there. I know I said some things that I didn't mean, but by the time I'd cooled off, it was too late. I..." He paused, placing the pawn back where it had been and scrubbed his hands over his face. Blinking, he looked at Beckett, their connection intense as he spoke to her, his words layered with meaning. "That was Meredith's excuse, when I found her on the couch with her director: 'I needed that part, and that is what it took to get it'. I never broke my vows, Kate, no matter what the tabloids said at the time. I wouldn't do it, I couldn't... and I could never bring myself to inflict that kind of pain on anybody else either." Castle let out a deep sigh, still stinging from the memories of another time. Switching his focus, he slid his rook up the board, leaving Kate's bishop under threat again.

Stunned, Beckett was at a loss for words at the brutal honesty with which her partner had laid himself and his past bare. Her mind whirling, she ran her fingers through her hair, buying time to think.

_When he said 'anything at all', that wasn't quite what I was expecting... _She thought. _Come to think of it, that explains a lot about him._ Her eyes running over his features, Beckett could see the emotional toll the confession had wrought on him. His eyes had lost their signature sparkle, his shoulders were slumped, face downcast. Searching for something, _anything _to break the thickening silence, she spoke up.

"I'm so sorry, Rick..." Her words startled him, his head jerking up from his intent study of the board. His eyebrows raised, and he drew breath to speak, but she spoke before he could get a word out. "I... assumed. Back when we met, and even after everything we've been through, I never really challenged my first impression of you." Fighting to keep her voice steady, she knew her face betrayed her sheer disappointment in herself for failing to realise that the man in front of her was so vastly different from the Rick Castle on Page 6. She swallowed and kept talking, trying to chase the haunted expression from his face. "That was why you never mentioned the kiss in the alley again, wasn't it? Because of Josh?"

The mention of her ex-boyfriend sent another flash of pain across Castle's face, before it was ruthlessly repressed. Nodding his head, he answered, his voice rough.

"Yeah. As much as I wanted to talk about it, I knew you wouldn't want to and there was a chance that if we did, it might happen again." He looked her straight in the eyes, guard down as he spoke. "If it came down to it, I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't try to kiss you again, not after how the first time felt, and I didn't want to be responsible for being the cause of that kind of pain to anybody. I may not have been Josh's biggest fan, but... no. Just... no."

Blushing slightly as she recalled the intensity of their kiss, the way it had set her nerves on fire, Kate sighed, the sound somewhere between regret and longing.

"Thank you..." She bit her lip before letting the words spill forth, unable to stop them. "I don't know what I would have done, and if I had... If _we_ had... I don't want the start of our relationship to be with cheating." Castle struggled to keep his face neutral as her words penetrated his mind.

_Our __relationship._ He thought, stunned that she would phrase it that way, even inadvertently. He noted the slight flush to her cheeks as she realised what she'd said, and was amazed when she looked at him and didn't retract her statement, didn't seek to clarify or qualify it with any cover-ups. In fact, he realised, she looked... terrified. Terrified and anxious.

_She means it..._ He silently exulted. _There is an 'us', despite everything..._

He turned his hand over on the table, lacing his fingers through hers. Giving a reassuring squeeze, he spoke quietly, sincerely.

"Me too, Kate." Three little words. Short and simple, they brought her down from the edge she didn't realise she was so close to, her heart thrumming behind her ribs. Not the three words that had caused her so much hope and anguish in the cemetery, no, these weren't as scary as.. those. His hand in hers, the warmth flowing into her, the gentle reassurance he offered her wrapped her in a blanket of safety, of comfort. Her fears easing, Beckett let her smile shine through, light filling her face as though the clouds had been pulled back.

Sensing the shift in mood, Castle relaxed a little, still keeping his hand in place. A matching grin on his lips, he continued.

"I meant what I said earlier about Sophia..." He paused watching to see if she remembered. Seeing the confusion in her eyes, he explained. "When I said what she and I had was so different to... us." He felt a tight shiver of pleasure spike through him as he said the last word, the meaning so much different over the course of a single afternoon. "She inspired a character, one who appeared a couple of times in a couple of books. You..." He slid his fingers underneath her palm, thumb absently stroking small circles on the back of her hand. "You inspired a hero, who's depth and complexity are worthy of a whole series, and more..." He sighed softly, the words flowing from deep within. "Kate, you are not just a character muse. You are _my_ muse. You inspire me to be a better man. In our time together, you've taught me so much about life, about myself. You make me... better."

Beckett blushed furiously, unused to such a compliment sincerely delivered. A giddy, happy feeling bubbled up inside her. Throat clenching, she tried to stifle her emotions as she swallowed. Having no luck, she gave in, the words tumbling from her.

"Castle, I-" About to confess, her train of thought was derailed as he cut her off.

"There he is!" She shot him a look, unaccustomed to him cutting her off like that.

"Come on, Castle..." She said, nervously, hoping she could still summon the courage to move forward with what she'd been about to say.

_You can do this, Kate. _She thought, preparing to speak once more, when he did it again.

"No, seriously... there he is." Castle said, his tone firm. She could see his attention was fixed over her shoulder. Blakely, she assumed. Rick's eyes, however, betrayed him. Written in them, Kate could clearly see his frustration, his inward cursing at the universes' lousy timing. Standing up, he kept hold of her hand. Using it to help her upright, he shifted his elbow away from his side slightly, an unspoken offering. Regret and frustration showing clearly on her face, Beckett took the offer, slipping her arm through his in a move that had become almost second nature to her. Their steps in synch, they made their way over to the man they recognised from their murder board.

Before they got too close, she looked over to Castle, her expression hesitant. Sensing the shift in her mood, Rick gave her a small, tight smile. Risking a pinched ear, he leaned close, his nose just brushing her gorgeous curls.

"Later, as soon as we have time, we'll talk. I promise." His whisper tickling her ear, Beckett barely repressed a shiver at the proximity. Nodding she silently mouthed 'later' to him, relief washing through her. Their path brought them close to their target, and they slowed down as they approached him casually,

"Dr Blakely...?" Beckett asked, more for formality's sake, as she was sure of his identity.

"I'm afraid you're mistaking me for someone else." He responded, his face guarded, eyes darting nervously around the park.

"No, there is no mistake" Beckett flashed him her badge, her lips quirking in a small grin of triumph.

"How did you find me?" Blakely asked, resigned, knowing it was pointless to deny it any further.

"Through Tracy. She's dead..." Came the detective's response, compassion lacing her voice.

"If they got to her, they can get to me." Blakely said, tension coming off him in waves. "We need to leave. Now." Her eyes flickering around the trees, Beckett nodded to him, indicating with her head that the professor should follow them. Her arm still linked with Castle's, she headed down the path at a brisk walk, trying to combine the appearance of a relaxed stroll with the overpowering need to get them way, fast.

Closing the doors to the Crown Vic, neither Castle nor Beckett realised just how much later their conversation would have to be...


End file.
